What is Domestic Violence ?

Domestic violence is not always about physical harm. At its core, it is a pattern of power and control that one person uses to dominate another in a close or intimate relationship. While it can include physical assaults, domestic violence often takes the form of ongoing coercive and controlling behaviors designed to intimidate, isolate, and entrap a partner.

Coercive Control

Coercive control is a pattern of abuse where the perpetrator uses a range of tactics to strip away the other person’s freedom and sense of self. It’s about creating an environment where the victim feels constantly monitored, fearful, or dependent.

Some common examples include:

Isolation – cutting someone off from friends, family, or support.
Monitoring and surveillance – checking phones, tracking movements, or demanding constant updates.
Financial control – restricting access to money, employment, or resources.
Emotional manipulation – belittling, gaslighting, or making the person doubt their own reality.
Threats and intimidation – using fear, threats of harm, or even threats about children or pets.
Rules and restrictions – controlling daily activities, clothing, who they see, or where they go.

Why It Matters

These patterns can be invisible to outsiders but have devastating effects. Victims may feel trapped, losing not just their independence but also their confidence and identity. Coercive control is recognized in many countries as a form of domestic abuse in itself, even when no physical violence occurs.

The Bigger Picture

Understanding domestic violence as more than physical harm is vital. Recognizing coercive control helps us see the ongoing, patterned nature of abuse—and why leaving an abusive relationship can be incredibly difficult and dangerous.

What is a Narcissistic Relationship ?

A relationship with a narcissistic partner is often marked by charm and intensity at the beginning, but over time it can turn into a cycle of manipulation, control, and emotional harm. Narcissistic abuse is not just about selfishness—it is a pattern of behaviors designed to keep the other person dependent, confused, and doubting their own worth.

The Cycle of Narcissistic Abuse

Idealization – At first, the narcissist may overwhelm their partner with attention, affection, and praise (“love bombing”), creating a powerful emotional bond.
Devaluation – Over time, the warmth fades, replaced with criticism, blame, gaslighting, or emotional withdrawal. The partner may feel they can never do anything right.
Discard – The narcissist may abruptly withdraw, ignore, or even abandon the relationship, leaving the other person feeling devastated and unstable.
Hoovering – They may return with apologies or renewed affection, pulling the partner back into the cycle.

Why It’s So Hard to Leave

Leaving a narcissistic relationship is not simple. Survivors often describe feeling “trapped” even when no physical barriers exist. Some reasons include:

Trauma Bonding – The alternating kindness and cruelty create a powerful psychological attachment, similar to an addiction.
Gaslighting and Doubt – Constant manipulation makes the victim question their own reality, leaving them unsure whether the abuse is “real.”
Loss of Self-Esteem – Repeated belittling erodes confidence, making it feel impossible to survive alone.
Fear of Retaliation – Narcissists may threaten, smear reputations, or use children, finances, or secrets as leverage.
Hope for Change – Survivors often hold on to memories of the loving partner they met at the beginning, hoping that person will reappear.

The Reality

Narcissistic relationships are uniquely destructive because the abuse is often subtle, hidden, and psychological. Breaking free requires not just physical separation but also healing from the deep emotional wounds and rebuilding a sense of identity and autonomy.

What is Coercive Control ?

Coercive control is a form of domestic abuse where one person uses a pattern of behaviors to dominate and restrict the life of another. Unlike a single incident of violence, coercive control is ongoing—it’s about creating an environment of fear, dependency, and isolation.

At its core, coercive control is not about anger or conflict—it’s about power and control. The abuser uses tactics that slowly take away a person’s freedom, confidence, and sense of self until they feel trapped.

Examples of Coercive Control

Isolation: Cutting someone off from family, friends, or support.
Monitoring: Checking phones, tracking movements, demanding constant updates.
Financial control: Restricting access to money, employment, or resources.
Rules and restrictions: Dictating what to wear, where to go, or who to see.
Gaslighting: Making the victim doubt their memory, perception, or sanity.
Threats and intimidation: Using fear—towards the person, children, pets, or even themselves—to maintain control.

Why It’s So Harmful

Coercive control can be invisible from the outside, but for those living it, the impact is profound. It erodes independence and self-esteem, making it extremely difficult to leave the relationship. Even without physical violence, coercive control is abuse.

Recognition Matters

In many countries, coercive control is now recognized in law as a serious form of domestic abuse. Naming it helps survivors feel validated: what is happening to them is real, intentional, and wrong.

💡 Coercive control may not leave bruises, but it leaves deep scars. Understanding it is the first step toward breaking free and reclaiming safety, dignity, and freedom.

Coping Day by Day After Leaving abusive relationship

Leaving abusive relationship is an act of courage—but healing takes time. Recovery is not a straight line, and it’s normal to feel overwhelmed, confused, or even drawn back into the old cycle. Here are some everyday strategies to support your healing:

1. Prioritize Safety and Boundaries

Limit or cut off contact with your ex-partner if possible (“no contact” or “low contact” if children are involved).
Block or mute them on social media and phone to reduce emotional triggers.
Protect your physical and emotional space—your healing comes first.

2. Rebuild Your Sense of Self

Remind yourself daily: the abuse was not your fault.
Reconnect with hobbies, friends, and interests that may have been lost.
Keep a journal to track your feelings and your progress—it helps rebuild clarity and self-trust.

3. Practice Self-Compassion

Expect ups and downs; healing takes time.
Celebrate small victories, like a peaceful day or a moment of laughter.
Replace self-criticism with gentle reminders that you are learning and growing.

4. Seek Support

Talk to trusted friends, family, or support groups who understand.
Consider counseling or therapy with someone trained in trauma and narcissistic abuse recovery.
Lean on resources—books, podcasts, or survivor communities—for strength and validation.

5. Focus on the Present

Create a daily routine that feels grounding (meals, rest, movement, relaxation).
Use mindfulness or breathing exercises to calm overwhelming thoughts.
Take things one day at a time—small steps forward lead to lasting freedom.

Remember: Healing after abuse is not about rushing to “move on.” It’s about slowly reclaiming your voice, your choices, and your peace. You survived the relationship—now you are learning to thrive beyond it.

Breathing & Grounding Exercises to Cope with Anxiety

After leaving an abusive or narcissistic relationship, it’s normal to feel anxious, on edge, or overwhelmed. Simple breathing and grounding exercises can help calm your nervous system, bring you back into the present moment, and give you a sense of safety in your own body.

1. Calming Breath (4-4-6 Breathing)

This exercise helps regulate your body’s stress response.

Breathe in gently through your nose for 4 seconds.
Hold your breath for 4 seconds.
Exhale slowly through your mouth for 6 seconds.
Repeat for 1–2 minutes.

💡 Tip: Imagine breathing in peace and strength, and breathing out fear and tension.

2. Box Breathing

Often used to reduce panic and racing thoughts.

Inhale through your nose for 4 seconds.
Hold your breath for 4 seconds.
Exhale through your mouth for 4 seconds.
Hold again for 4 seconds.
Repeat for several rounds until you feel calmer.

3. The 5-4-3-2-1 Grounding Technique

A simple way to anchor yourself when anxiety feels overwhelming.

5 things you can see around you
4 things you can touch (your clothes, chair, a cup)
3 things you can hear (birds, cars, your breath)
2 things you can smell
1 thing you can taste (sip water, notice your breath)

💡 This exercise helps bring you out of spiraling thoughts and back into the present moment.

4. Anchoring With Touch

Place your feet firmly on the ground.
Press your hands together or hold a comforting object (like a stone, blanket, or necklace).
Focus on the texture, temperature, and weight of what you’re touching.

This signals to your body that you are here, now, and safe.

5. Safe Place Visualization

Close your eyes and picture a place where you feel completely safe and calm.
Imagine the details—what you see, hear, smell, and feel.
Return to this mental space whenever you feel anxious.

Final Note

These exercises are tools, not solutions to everything you may be carrying. The more you practice them, the easier it becomes to manage moments of anxiety. Be patient with yourself—healing is a process, and even small steps count.

Survivor’s Starter Kit: 4 Essential Books

If you’re just starting to learn and heal after an abusive relationship, these four books are a great place to begin. They offer understanding, validation, and practical tools for recovery.

1. Why Does He Do That? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft

One of the most trusted books on abusive relationships. It explains why abusers act the way they do, how to recognize manipulation, and why change is so rare. Survivors often describe this book as life-changing.

2. When Love Hurts by Jill Cory and Karen McAndless-Davis

Gentle and compassionate, this book helps survivors make sense of their experiences, recognize abuse for what it is, and begin the journey toward healing and safety.

3. Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie

Written by a survivor, this book focuses on recovery after toxic and manipulative relationships. It’s empowering, practical, and deeply validating for anyone healing from narcissistic or psychopathic abuse.

4. The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel van der Kolk

A must-read on trauma and healing. It explains how abuse affects the body and brain, and introduces approaches—like mindfulness, movement, and therapy—that can restore a sense of safety and self.

💡 These four books cover the essentials: understanding abuse, validating your experience, learning to heal, and regaining control of your life.